theschizoidman: (Default)
[Ace sits very still, gazing blankly out the window. It's unclear what xe's thinking about. Xyr shoulders rise and shift, allowing xyr wings to settle in a more comfortable position. It is the only movement xe shows.]

I don't wanna talk about it. I don't normally think about it, even though I think about it every second of every day. But I know I should, because then maybe it'd hurt less. Maybe I'd be able to make sense of what happened that day.

[Xe pauses a moment, falling silent once more.]

I was sixteen. I thought I was ready. All my life I'd been dreaming about Angels and Gods and wings and eyes. I'd always been a sensitive kid, always drawn to the dying things. I buried them all. Rats, mice, ravens, pigeons, ducks, birds, cats, dogs, bugs, everything. Mam used to tell me off for getting filthy, but I just ignored her. The dying things needed me more, and I had to tend to them.

The dreams got worse as I got older, and I found my way to a synagogue, hoping to find some peace. My dreams had led me there, and the rabbi didn't turn me away, thinking I was crazy. He took me in and listened to me. Actually bloody listened to me for the first time in my life. Someone actually listened to me. So I told him everything I'd experienced, and asked him to teach me everything he could. I was expecting to be discouraged, to be turned away and told to come back when I was older. Apparently thirteen year old kids aren't meant to have mystical experiences, according to the priest in the church down the road. But the rabbi didn't say that.

I'd become aware of another presence inside me. I'd always known the wings were there; they'd been with me since I was little. I could move 'em about and I was always jumping off things, trying to fly. I had voices whispering in me 'ead too, nice ones, that were telling me things I needed to know. Said they were Angels. They said I knew the sacred writings. Once they'd said that, I remember this flood of information coming down into my head. I was so utterly aware of the Otherworld, and I heard the Angels singing. I wrote something on the wall in front of me, in a language I was sure I'd never seen before, because I couldn't not write. I wrote sacred names and verses on my body. That's when the wings became real.

[Xe pauses again, unsure how to continue. Xe gets up and walks over to the window, gazing out at the dark cloudy sky. A brief shimmering can be seen behind xyr, almost but not quite looking like wings. The air shimmers, ripples, and suddenly all is calm again.]

I was with the rebbe the day before I went to the mikvah. I had no idea what to do to prepare for immersion in the waters, and what I would experience there. I knew it would be a rebirth, and rebirths are painful. I was returning to the womb before being reborn a Jew. I understood that, and craved it more than anything I'd ever craved in the world. But I was still scared. I kept dreaming of Angels, and had this terrifying thought that I was one, that I'd been sent to Earth, to this fleshy body, to live a life as a human.

I remember hearing that thought as I stood on the top step of the mikvah, stark naked, preparing to descend into the water. I was an Angel incarnate, and this was my rebirth.

I don't know what force propelled me into the water. I honestly don't remember making that decision. Somehow, the body was moving, and the water surrounded me. The singing intensified, and my body burnt with power. I could feel it straining to break, as if I needed to be free, but didn't know how.

I barely heard the attendant proclaiming it kosher as I rose out of the water. The hand of G-d propelled me under the water again, and the wings on my back were a heavy weight holding me down, the feathers sodden and stuck together.

The third time I went under, the water dragged me down, and I saw myself. It was like the wall had become a mirror, and I saw myself in the water, but I wasn't human, I was seeing my true form. My Angelic form. There I was, all thousands of wings and eyes all over my body. Hebrew words fled from my mouth as I rose out of the water, sodden and yet feeling so incredibly powerful. I gazed up at the ceiling, murmured the appropriate blessings, and spread my wings. I could see the glow reflecting off the water. I was suddenly aware of everything all around me, and knew, in that moment, exactly what I was.

I... I don't really remember anything more about that. I - somehow I left the mikvah, finally accepted as a Jew, and went home in a daze. I can't really explain what happened after that. My soul was free, and the connection to Ha-Shem was so intense I could barely cope. It was like staring into the abyss, knowing everything. Realising everything. And then I toppled right off the edge and fell into psychosis.

[Ace thinks a moment.] Or, perhaps that had happened when I went in the mikvah.

[Xe steps away from the window, balling xyr fists in frustration.] My brain bloody doesn't work properly. I opened my soul and went mad. How can I be sure that was even real? I'm locked up in this madhouse, with all them other bloody schizos, and everything I say is a lie. Maybe he's right. Maybe the voices are just madness, maybe the Archangel isn't real. Maybe none of this shit is real. It doesn't make me feel any less like an Other. I still feel like my flesh is wrong, and I should be flying high in the sky. But I'm not allowed outside anymore. I keep jumping off things, and they're afraid of me hurting myself. They give me more pills because they think I'm suicidal, and they just make me suicidal. I can't do anything in here. I can't think. I'm drugged up to me eyeballs, and I can't speak. I can't get out and tell them I'm sane.

[Xe sighs and stares at the ground, miserably.] They gone and locked the bloody doors anyway, and barred the bloody windows. It's like a bloody prison, but I ain't done nothing wrong. I'm in here til they think I'm sane enough to let go, but I don't know if that'll ever happen. I'll rot in here til I die, an Archangel with clipped wings who can't escape, trapped like a bloody canary in a tiny cage. Send me down the mine, I'll die from the fumes. Sacrifice the freaks to make you feel better.

I don't know if I can do this much longer. I can't hang on. I'm all alone. I can't do this. I can't do this at all. Ha-Shem, Adonai, please, release me from this prison. Let me fly back to Heaven. I can't bear this world any more. Take this horrid body away and let me free. I want to be free again. I'm suffocating. One day I'll drown in the mikvah and only condemnation awaits. I ain't afraid of Death. I am Death. It's the only thing that will ever bring me peace. Please, Ha-Shem, let me end this life. Let me end this life right now.

Muse: Ace Kefford
Fandom: The Move RPF AU
Word Count: 1,283
Warnings: Suicidal and depressive thoughts
Disclaimer: Complete work of fiction.
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theschizoidman: (Default)
Archangel Azriel // Ace Kefford

March 2014

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