theschizoidman: (Default)
  I think I might've been a girl once, or was it a boy? I can't remember. I look down at my body and I can't remember if it's meant to be mine. Is it mine? Who am I anyway? This is all just so confusing. Am I the Archangel, or is it different to the human soul I got inside me? Sometimes I feel like I'm two different people, but even that sounds bonkers. I got enough mental problems without adding that to the mix, that's for sure.

[Xe gazes down at xyr body. Lifting up a hand, xe stares at xyr palm, unsure. Nothing about it looks at all familiar.] 

Bodies are such weird things. I don't know how you lot put up with them. How they define you so much. Yer not meant to do that. But maybe it's different for me. I ain't never lived with a body before, and humans are weird about that. They told me, every day they told me I was a girl as I grew up in this body. But that ain't so much fun. And then the Archangel turned up, and then I weren't sure what I was meant to be at all. Never could work out how to dress properly.

Not sure I ever really believed I was a girl though. I understood the opposite of that was boy, but that didn't work either. I wanted to be a boy, though. Human society wasn't looking after its women, and I saw what happened to them. I didn't want that happening to me. But I'm not really much of a boy either. They said I couldn't be a boy because I don't have a cock. I keep forgetting that. Am I a boy though, if I ain't a girl? I have no idea. It's never clear in me 'ead. 

But they still treat me like a girl. They say that's what I am, and they won't listen to me when I tell 'em what I really am. They just say I'm mad. I'm a fragile mad girl. Ain't always strong enough to fend 'em off. Wish I was a boy. Then maybe those things wouldn't have happened to me. The way they- 

[Xe closes xyr eyes a moment, unwilling to remember.]

Y'know what does it, yeah? Cos we reincarnate, and I'm genderless, so it doesn't really matter what my body is. I'll keep on living, life after life, and it won't matter. I got too many memories, and I can't half remember anything. I can't half work out if they're the body's lives, or the human soul's lives, or my lives. Everyone looks different, and I can't work out which one I am. All different bodies I ain't never seen before.

Tried to explain it to Trev once, but he didn't understand. He doesn't understand the mess that's in me 'ead. He's never had a moment of panic because he doesn't know who he is. He's never just stood in the bathroom, absolutely certain that his body ain't his own. Never looked in a mirror and not recognised the face that's there, starin' back at him. Never seen his face being eaten alive. Mirrors are horrible things. I smashed most of mine long ago. Don't care about bad luck. Don't want to see that. Don't want to see bad things. Don't want to look at a body that's not mine.

I really don't understand human society. An' I can't even see me wings in a mirror. They're meant to be there. I got wings an' ev'rything, but I can't see 'em. I just see this body. This stupid weak human body that weren't always properly cared for. I don't know how to do that. How do I do that? How do I do any of this? Ha-Shem made me incarnate and I have no idea what I'm meant to be doing. It's so hard to live like this. Nothing's right at all, and this stupid body is the wrong sex, and no one believes me when I say I don't have a gender. They laugh at me and call me a girl. 

It's so claustrophobic down here. I'm trapped and grounded, and this body is wrong. I want so much to claw my way free of this body and fly back to the Heavens.

Muse: Ace Kefford
Fandom: The Move RPF AU
Word Count: 723
Warnings: body dysphoria
Disclaimer: Complete work of fiction.

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Archangel Azriel // Ace Kefford

March 2014

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