theschizoidman: (Default)
  [Ace sits in bed, arms curled around xyr knees; xyr wings wrap around xem protectively, their soft white light the only light in the room. Xe stares straight ahead, body still and unwilling to move.]

I'm always scared. No one believes me, but I am. If they could see the things I see, they'd be scared too. So many great and terrible things you can't hardly imagine, and I see them all.

I'm just so frightened of everything, and I can't sleep because the voices keep me up. They keep whispering, and I keep seeing shadows everywhere. I'm so close to breaking, I can feel my sanity slipping away, but I can't do anything.

I while away the night hours in silence. I sit there, and do nothing. I'm too scared by what I'm seeing. It's always bad when I'm close to a break. I never sleep, and then one day, I fall off the edge, and then I'm in hospital. They make me better, send me home, and I end up repeating the same thing all over again.

Sleep is where we rest, and our soul returns to Ha-Shem to be renewed. We recite Modei Ani when we wake to thank Him for returning our souls to us. How can I do that when I can't sleep? I just sit here terrified, unable to sleep. It's exhausting, I feel so tired, but I can't sleep. I lie down, close my eyes, and nothing happens. The voices are stopping me sleep. They won't let me cross, and my soul is crying out for sleep. Please, Ha-Shem, please let me sleep.

[Tears well in xyr eyes.] Maybe Ha-Shem doesn't want my soul. Maybe that's why I can't sleep. He's rejected me, and won't care for my soul. He cast me down here as punishment anyway. Why wouldn't He refuse to let my soul rest? I hardly deserve it. Mad bitch who can't fly. Stuck on this bloody planet, magnets in me feet, and I don't understand the world I'm in.

[Xe recites the Modei Ani prayer over and over, whispering the words, hoping it might be enough to let xyr sleep.] 

God, please let me sleep. I'm going mad, and you don't care. Azriel needs you. I give you my soul, Adonai. Please, take care of it while I sleep. I need this. I'm so tired. I can't do this much longer. I know there's a knife downstairs. I know what I need to do. I'd add more scars to my arms, but the long sleep beckons. I could sleep forever. No more of this awful insomnia. No more of this madness.

Muse: Ace Kefford
Fandom: The Move RPF AU
Word Count: 441
Disclaimer: Complete work of fiction
Warnings: Suicidal thoughts, psychosis


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Archangel Azriel // Ace Kefford

March 2014

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