theschizoidman: (Default)
I can't decide if I like mornings or not. Like, every day I wake up again, and there's another day to face. Sometimes, it's just so awful I can't bear it. I just want it to stop. Waking up can be so utterly devastating because of that. To open yer eyes and see that sun streamin' in through the window, and y'know you've woken up again, and lived through another night?

Yeah, I've woken up absolutely filled with dread because I ain't been taken back to Ha-Shem, and there's another long day to get through. Like proper absolute bloody dread where you wake up and lie there, and you just know you've got to find the energy to get through another day, but you know you probably won't make it past 10am. Brain can't concentrate that long, not fer anything, and you lie there, hoping the bed will swallow you whole, and you'll finally sink to your rest.

[Xe balls a fist, but it's loose, and it hurts the muscles.]
It's just so hard. Everything always seems so hard. Waking up and remembering the routines can drain me before it's even bloody noon. It's why I don't always do me prayers, even though I know I should. If I do me prayers in the morning, I might not be able to manage anything else for the rest of the day, 'cept perhaps dinner? I feel so useless on those days, like I can't even get up without using up what little energy I got left.

[Xe gazes towards the window.] Those are the days I curse the sun. I curse its cycles, I curse the fact it's there again, that it's there to remind me I'm still here in this broken body. I hate it. I curse it with all the strength I have left. How dare it come up again. How dare I still be here. How dare I have to live through another bloody day in this body that doesn't work.

I curse Ha-Shem, too, if I'm angry enough. I curse the sun, the moon, the stars, and Ha-Shem, and I'd probably try to kill myself if I had any energy left. But I usually don't. I just end up lying in bed, or on the sofa downstairs, and I can't even move because everything's so tired, and Trev's gotta do his best to get me to do anything, but I can't because moving just hurts.

[Ace pauses, taking a moment to calm down. Frustration is not something xe deals well with, and xe takes a moment to breathe, doing xyr best to not let it get to xem.]

Those are the worst days. It's not usually that bad, but they still happen. I get that brain fog, I'm trembling so much I can't hold anything, and I can't walk. I can't do anything but curse at the sun for getting up again, and I lie there, wishing I were dead. If I had the energy, I probaby would be.

Muse: Ace Kefford (Queer Jewish Archangel Otherkin AU)
Fandom: The Move RPF AU
Word Count: 502
Disclaimer: Complete work of fiction
Warnings: suicidal thoughts and depression


theschizoidman: (Default)
Archangel Azriel // Ace Kefford

March 2014

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